I wonder if there’s a word for this feeling.
It’s the one where you feel like you’re suffocating, but not in the way that you feel when you’re around someone who’s especially needy. Rather, you’re suffocating from somewhere deep inside of yourself. Like a dark sludge has begun flowing through your veins in place of blood. Like your heart is pounding, yet entirely still. You feel empty, but so overwhelmed with emotions you can’t name. You become a walking contradiction.
What caused it? Did someone say something that unknowingly registered with you? Was it the stress of the day? Could it be that you allowed yourself to go to that place in your mind which you try to quiet all of the time? The one that holds the scary thoughts. You know it. We all know it.
Regardless, it’s happened. You’re there, amidst the darkness and tarry sludge. You feel heavy in every possible way. You’re alone, even if you’re not. And then you’re sinking. For a moment you consider reaching out for help–phoning a friend, perhaps. You stop yourself, though. Why? Even you’re uncertain. Maybe because you don’t think they could help? Maybe because you think they would and the darkness is too intoxicating to tap out of?
So you slip and slide down the rabbit hole. And after just a bit the the hole starts to fill. In flow all of the bad memories and fears. Former losses, losses you anticipate (because that’s how life goes), and demons you know you’ll never escape.
You close yourself off from everyone and everything–possibly even the one person who you know would wash away all of the blackness and make you feel safe again. I mean, you’ve come this far, right? You know it’s madness. You are madness. Most days you’re just barely controlled chaos. So, why overexpose someone you love to more of that, right? They’ve seen enough. Maybe even too much.
You burrow. You hide out and focus on breathing and shoving all of those inexpiable feelings back into that dark corner so that you can continue floating through life and doing your best to white out the majority of the blackness. And it’s not easy. It comes through so quickly sometimes that it takes everything to not just let it wash over you constantly. Often, you give into it. Other times you fight.
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